When you wake up on the wrong side of your attitude …

But our boy Tortilla looks adorable at 4am … Me, not so much.

So I’m awake & pissed … over an issue I won’t let go (& won’t go into here — just conjure up the last experience that made your hackles rise. Got it? Insert here.) … I lay there & witness a back & forth in my mind:

“Gah! This is bullshit!”

“Oh, listen to the quiet … it’s soooo amazing.”

“Wtf? Why am I so worked up right now?!”

(Hearing Jim’s light snore … then Baxter’s soft snore from his doggie bed nearby … Tortilla was actually quiet this morning!)

“What a beautiful sound … My boys sleeping so soundly … Cutest thing ever …” Sigh.

“For God’s sake … How do I move forward with … ?!”

So I end up getting out of bed & going about my morning routine. The abhyanga, neti, lemon water, the whole bit. Still agitated.

I practiced my asana, meditated, & had plenty of time to take my time getting ready for class at The Ave. A little more centered.

Being in class with folks that come to The Ave is always refreshing to me. Classes are small, folks are unpretentious — we simply practice yoga asana, breath, relaxation … & catch up on each other’s lives with children, grandchildren, recent travel / illness / house project. Life.

I feel the same at St. Peter’s classes, & more & more at The Yoga Garden as I meet new people.

So I bring my grumpiness with me, & am still welcomed, am honored to hold space for people to practice their yoga asana, & can see a different perspective.

And I still held onto grumpiness when I got home, but I was more gentle with myself … I don’t claim to be enlightened just because I share yoga practices with others. I teach because I need these practices myself.

The rest of the day has been spent keeping out of the public space … so my surly-ness affects as few people as possible (Sorry, Jim. You’re a gem for putting up with me on these grumpy days.)

I’ve worked out. Snuggled & took walks with Jim, B & T. Ate 7 servings of guacamole (who the hell defines a “serving,” anyway? Guess I accomplished something). Wrote thank you notes — gratitude often relieves some of the funk for me.

I also napped. Just collapsed on the couch & zonked out for 2 hours. Rare, yet obviously needed.

Luvena Rangel, the Curvy Yogi, did an Instagram Live last week on Authenticity (check her out here). She said (I’m paraphrasing), “Yoga isn’t a solution to the problem … In fact, sometimes yoga can amplify the problem … so you keep showing up … doing your practice … becoming more aware … the solution slowly emerges … it takes time …”

So I’m showing up. With all my selfish ailments, grievances, & complaints that the world won’t make me happy. To remember my purpose. And I’m so thankful for all of you … that show up to your practice just as you are too.

It’s 9:15pm. Tortilla is snoring lightly, his head at my hip (He has his required 7/8ths of the couch). It’s the best sound in the world right now.

See you on the mat, E

Published by ericaengel42

I practice & share Hatha Yoga for a simple reason -- it works. Hatha Yoga in the Himalayan Tradition is a holistic system of philosophy & practices passed down through an unbroken 5,000 year lineage of Himalayan sages. What Hatha Yoga is not: trendy, bendy or one-&-done. What Hatha Yoga is: a systematic approach to uncovering the real, authentic YOU in body, mind & spirit. Hatha Yoga cultivates well-being, stability, clarity & ease in modern life through traditional, time-tested practices. I also recognize both our shared humanity & our differing privileges & barriers -- I am a cis-gendered white female with a graduate degree, who has dealt with family trauma & an eating disorder. My goals in my own practice include to cultivate awareness of my own privileges & social conditioning, unlearn & re-learn in order to be mindful & take compassionate action toward a more beautiful, just & peaceful world for ALL humans, creatures & our Earth. I'm making mistakes daily, & hopeful that I'm falling forward toward these goals & vision. I hope we can walk our paths & support each other along the way.

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